So, I am anxiously waiting on my grades….
They were supposed to be in yesterday and posted online today, but they haven’t been yet. I’m not really worried, because classes are over and I can’t change anything anymore, and I’m ok with that. It is what it is. I am just ready to know if I kept my academic scholarship or not.
I’m reading through 1 Peter at the moment, and I am loving it! Peter seems to phrase things differently than other writers in the Bible, and I am so happy for a change. I think that I just read too much of Paul’s writing, and I love Paul so much, but I am just ready for some different analogies. Jackie had the idea of memorizing a verse a week, so I chose more of a passage, really, but I like it.
Ok, so I like two passages a lot, so I will probably do both.
“In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested b fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1:6-9
and the other…
“For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously; and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed. For you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls.” 1 Peter 2:21-25
I like thinking of my God as the Guardian of my soul..
James Taylor warms my heart so much. I instantly smile whenever I hear his soothing voice. Elizabeth Wurtzel had Bruce Springsteen (whom I also love dearly), and I have James. A good name, isn’t it? I think so.
Divorce is so disconnecting and heart-wrenching. One of my aunts has freaked out, divorced her husband (for the second time), and is now living with a guy that I think is creepy and a smooth talker, and also has a young child, who is sweet.
We had a family get together the other night, and I guess this is why this is on my mind at the moment, but my cousins and I were sitting around talking about nothingness really until this came up, and they came to the realization that I had come to a while ago. We probably won’t ever see my uncle or his child again. If they lived in our town, we might see them, but they live in Georgia, and I think my cousin is in the military.
I couldn’t promise that she didn’t divorce him for a logical reason, because no family is ever how they seem, but I do know him pretty well, and I doubt that he was abusing her or having an affair. So, I guess I just wonder if she knew that we would feel like we were involved in this as well, because we were. She ripped him away, a good and great man, from all of us, not just herself, and she brought this other guy and his daughter to Christmas this year for us to meet. I guess I become bothered and upset with people when they start making bad decisions that affect not just themselves and maybe the couple of closest people to them, but others and more people than just those few. It’s like this whole new level of selfishness that not only affects other people but hurts other them as well and hurts them in a relational way. I will never trust her again, and I will never look up to her as I once did because she has made some really hurtful and frustrating choices.
On a slightly different wave, if you think of it and anyone is actually reading, which if not, hey, that’s cool; this is for me. Would you pray that I would be brave enough to actually try to find a counselor? As much as I want to say that life is great and grand and I am fine, I am not. I am close to fine, but all of these thoughts, events, unsure events are popping around in my head, and my head is just too small to support all of them. I need to not only get them out, which I did for the first time this weekend, but I need to work through them with someone that can actually decipher reality in many different ways, because my thoughts don’t always translate into rational thoughts.
Just some thoughts.
May 7, 2008
I think that reflecting at this time of year is cheesy, because everyone does it, so I’m just going to say that I am reflecting and that I reflect everyday, so this isn’t something that I’m doing and writing about specifically because it’s the end of the year; it is an accumulation of thoughts and a build up of feelings that need to be released.
My piano jury was today, and I kind of enjoyed it. Crazy? Yes, a little bit. I forget how much I enjoy playing piano, especially good pianos. I’ve played on several grands recently, and the sound is just fabulous. I know I played a lot a while back, and I have been considering playing even more today just because I love to do it, and I long to be good. There are a lot of pieces that I have been working on off and on for a long time, and I am ready to be able to play those all the way through for enjoyment and not work. Creating music is the best feeling in the world when I am actually creating it and not simply playing and working on pieces, though that is great as well. I just love play.
You know that feeling when you’re exhausted and trying to play a sport but can’t because you haven’t stretched and you’re laughing too hard and your muscles feel limp? Well, I used you a lot. Maybe I am the only one that feels that way. We were playing 500 last night, and I was just dying! It’s a frisbee game, of course, because my friends and I love to throw a disc, and I just reach this point where I can’t move. I haven’t been eating very healthy lately, so I think my energy is down from that.
I’m kind of, ok, not kind of.. but really sad about leaving my friends for most of the summer. They have truly become my family, and I’m not ready to leave the people that I eat with and live with. I’m about to start packing my stuff up later tonight and actually moving out tomorrow, and it’s so crazy to think about!! Tonight is the last night that I will spend in this room, or even on campus. I’m ready. I am. I just want to be able to be strong over the summer, and I think that I will be. It’s just hard to leave.
I can feel some serious reading time drifting my way, and for that I am stoked! I need to finish a multitude of books.. to name a few..
Searching for God Knows What - Donald Miller
I can see probably five or six other books sitting around if not more that I have probably read a couple of pages of, so those will hopefully be read by the end of.. well, the time that I have to do so.
Farvel.
I just finished with my last, that I know of, band concert.
This is a very different change for me life to not be involved in band or music courses. I feel like I’m slipping past this person that I am into a person that I could be and maybe want to be, and that is just a little bit scary for me.
Thinking forward and thinking of today, I keep thinking that I am no longer a horn player, but that isn’t true. I am still a horn player, and I hope that I always play horn, because I adore it.
I wish I could post a youtube video of the American Horn Quartet, but there aren’t any videos posted. Great music, though.
Greeeeen
April 29, 2008
Walking to and from breakfast around 8.30 this morning was really fabulous. The air was chilly and crisper than Arkansas air usually is, and the smell of fresh cut grass was surrounding my body. It reminded me of being in California with my cousins. My cousin’s grandma owned a grape vineyard, and we would usually spend the night there whenever we were traveling to different parts of California. I remember getting up early to go on walks through the trees, and I remember squishing the mud between our toes and smelling the clean air.
Memories of being with my dad’s side of the family are some of the best that I have. There is a real sense of connection between everyone, and I really enjoy my dad when he’s around his siblings. He has two brothers and two sisters, and all five of them are really musical and sing wonderfully. Whenever they get together, they always end up singing together before they leave, and every time it is so pleasing to my ears. They all know each others voices and sing harmony and such. My Aunt in Maine plays piano, so sometimes that is involved, too. There is always so much laughter.
The last time that we were all together was for my grandparent’s 50th wedding anniversary. We, of course, travelled to California to my uncle’s house in Grass Valley and stayed there. He has a really old motorcycle, and we went riding early one morning and went down this curvy, tree-shadowing road, and the air was also exactly how it was this morning.
These memories may seem silly, but I hang onto these and would give almost anything to keep them close to my heart because they are full of love and joy.
I hate writing in my private xanga, because I know that it is just that - private. I’m tired of being private and being quiet, and I don’t want to be anymore, but I know that I will and feel that I have to. This is the last bit of what I posted there and is only a fraction of what I am feeling.
I am thirsty, and I am unquenchable. I have been to God, and I leave thirsty. I have prayed for fulfilling hugs and human contact, but I am numb. I don’t feel anything other than this huge void within me that cannot be satisfied and is only growing by the second.
I could satisfy this if I wanted. I could get rid of this. As a friend said, “I could see how you could think that it could help with all of the stress that you’re under right now..”
They don’t understand. It does help, and not only does it help, but it is the most effective form of release that I have ever experienced. It takes care of the hurt, shame, guilt, sadness, anger, and loneliness. I don’t even care if that peace is only on me for 20 minutes or maybe 30 or 45. When things are unbearable, I’d rather do anything than sit and feel however I am feeling. Right now I am feeling all of these things, and that is just how it is. I’d rather be slicing my arm up right now with my friend that I know will always satisfy immediately. I don’t know how much more I can take, and I also know what is right, and I am torn and wondering and questioning where MY God is. My God that cares about me. Where is He now? Even through the struggles, and I understand that struggling is a part of life. Where is He and when will He decide that I have endured enough and come to fill me. I am so, so empty, and I have nothing appropriate to fill my desires. Where are You, and why aren’t You comforting me?
Ultimate
April 23, 2008
I’m reading A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. It’s only like sixty page, so I’m really close to being finished. I’ve really enjoyed reading it, as I do all of his books. His thoughts are so fascinating, and he is often able to put to words things that I have popping around in my head. I’ll probably share some quotes soon.
Girls ONLY ultimate tonight after dinner!! I’m stoked as it should be loads of fun. 
Now for six random facts…
1) When I walk with other people, it is important for me to be walking in step with them, either three-legged race style or actual same foot hitting the ground style. When I’m on a sidewalk, I take an equal number of steps between the cracks, and I step on the cracks. If the space between the cracks changes in length, it doesn’t throw me off, but I have to start counting again. It is preferable for the space to be long enough and also short enough for me to make it by either four or seven steps between. That is counting the final step that ends on the crack. I get frustrated when I’m walking with people and am not able to stay in step with them and also meet my personal step quirks. (This isn’t something that actually gets in the way of my life. No, I don’t have OCD.)
2) A lot of the time, I actually prefer to go places and also eat by myself. I consider it part of my personal time where I can eat and buy things without people analyzing how I eat or what I’m buying. I also don’t then have to worry about how much time I spend wherever I am.
3) I love black coffee, but this hasn’t always been true. I used to douse it with sugar and milk. I started drinking it black the day after my boyfriend that I had all of my junior year broke up with me. He broke up with me on a Saturday, and I believe it was October 1, 2006 (not that the date really matters). I didn’t really sleep Saturday and spent most of the night at Lauren’s crying and watching Singin’ in the Rain. She was really a good friend to me back then and still is, but she doesn’t really live next door anymore. Anyway, I was forced to go to church the next morning (I didn’t tell my parents that we broke up - it was probably a week or so later that they found out), and I remember thinking that I needed something to keep me sane, and I was so bitter that black coffee sounded fantastic to me because it was bitter, and if I could drink it (this was during the almost year that I wasn’t cutting) then I could express to myself exactly how I felt. I love it now, and I wouldn’t drink it any other way, and it doesn’t make me sad or anything - only sober.
4) I really and truly, 100% for sure, would love to take a couple of months off from the real world to experience an even more real world. I would love to camp for a couple of months in the woods with people that I love. I am very firm in my belief that it’s really hard to not believe in God while out in His creations.
5) I start too many books. Right now, I can count probably fifteen or so books that I have started this year, and some even last, that have not been finished. It’s not that I get bored, but that I get equally interested. I am the same way with music. I buy way too much music.
6) I am really good at getting free coffee at Station House. It’s not that I really wanted free coffee from there. I am more than happy to pay, but I come in at the worst times, I guess. Yesterday I went in to grab a cup, and they were out of cups, so they gave it to me for free because they had to run a little ways to get some more cups. Before this, I have come in numerous times around 7 or so, and they always just give it to me because they are about to pour it out.
My days are hectic, and I don’t always get up when I’m supposed to..
but I had a really grand cup of coffee today, and I plan to have another tomorrow. This will make it alright.
(I’ll do the tagged thing soon!)
..for me
next week is about the same, with different events and less time to practice for my scales test, which is on wednesday, my class piano recital, which is on thursday (i think), my other piano lesson, my performance at the elementary school - both horn and woodwind quintet. also, a due on a midsummer night’s dream, which i have not read yet. i work all day saturday, and sunday is filled with recital, church (if i choose to get up, which i haven’t in several weeks), chapel, and essay writing/play reading. next weekend is the ministry team retreat for wesley, and the following week is again, busy, and the week after that is finals..
can i really do this? i am so overwhelmed thinking about my days..
i was invited to play ultimate tonight by some guys that i hang out with occasionally. i’ve played with them before and was slightly frustrated, but i’m usually game for giving things another shot before ruling them out. plus, it’s social, and i’m trying to be social. as happened last time, i was thrown to twice in an hour and a half. i ran my ass off playing defense, and i played pretty well. i can throw and catch a frisbee..
but i’m a girl, and because i’m a girl, i am officially labeled as a weak, incapable creature. this ticks me off. the guys on my team threw the frisbee away to the other team several times to avoid throwing to a girl, when i would have caught it because i was wide open. stupid stuff like this happened the whole game. in the midst of all this, one of the guys threw it over the fence and was being picked on in a joking manner about it, and he looked at me and said, “you said you needed a break, didn’t you charis?” and this just completely set me off. it wouldn’t have been a big deal, but he singled me out because i was a girl and said that to cover for himself. it was pathetic.
i was talking about it to my friend jackie afterwards, and she said that they treated her like that for a little while, but she just had to keep coming and eventually they started to throw it to her a little bit. she almost seemed a little upset that i was so upset, but i was. it wouldn’t have been as big of a deal if she was the one that invited me, but one of the guys invited me, as if they wanted to play with me.
i’m not going to go back to play, though. three times of this happening is enough, and i can’t take the anger that builds up about it. it makes me feel belittled, unwanted, and worthless, and i can’t just take those feelings from people. i have to get myself out of situations that make me feel that way because i just can’t handle that yet. i don’t know if i ever will be able to, but right now i’m struggling enough with school and can’t take anything else or my pile of books that i am carrying will fall, all 74 of them. i don’t have time to deal with that right now. maybe next summer, but certainly not now.
also, there was a new girl out tonight that was very beautiful and tiny and in shape, and i swear that all of the guys talked about her the entire night. i don’t do that in front of them, why do they feel the need to talk about how hott she is when there are other girls around? i left feeling trashy and ugly, and i don’t want those feelings either.
and i don’t want to hear that this is just the way that guys are.
